I’m not blaming Nancy. It’s tempting but I won’t do it. To blame her would be to poison the air between us and potentially to blow my cover. May no one’s cover be blown tonight. May the air we breathe remain fresh and ample.
I’m not going to dance with Nancy. It’s tempting, if for no other reason than to mirror someone comfortable letting go. I am learning to let go but to mirror Nancy dancing could lead someone to think I was mocking her. This is not the night to imitate a wild nature. I will never mock Nancy for her wildness. One may or may not fall in love with Nancy but one must never make fun of her when she puts forth one of her purest selves.
I will not play the blame game with Nancy but I will dance near her as her brother has instructed. Incorporating spin movies into my otherwise straightforward maneuvers allows my gaze to sweep the dance floor like a searchlight with no incentive to shine a light on any one dancer. Is this not nonchalance deconstructed? Does not everyone dance near everyone in intimate club settings? This club falls somewhere between intimate and overly spacious because it is less like a club in its architecture and more like a repurposed gymnasium.
I will not rest with Nancy after hours of vigorous dancing but I will rest nearby and close my eyes in gratitude for my own able-bodied-ness. I will not in the timespan of a breath reach the conclusion that a guy’s sister is bent on self-destruction, but I will look at her, take the mental snapshot I’ve promised, an image realistic and unromantic enough that she might not mind me having it, and walk out into the night. On my way home, I will resist contemplating Nancy in any other way than one contemplates the unknowable life of a person just being. I will inform her brother that sis is all right. ‘I saw her with my own eyes,’ I will tell him, ‘and she could hardly be in a safer environment.’ ‘She’s dancing as we speak in a crowd whose intimacy derives from everyone dancing by themselves and together. Tonight, Charley, everyone returns home blameless and well rested.’