Something Ordinary

Something Ordinary

When our top salesperson is euphoric and leaving us to guess how long manic episodes last, she can’t stop herself from describing to our customers her Fallacy of Dispensation. On the road between San Jose and Carpenteria, selling the same Matching Widget she’s sold on a commission basis since the founding of our company, she says to someone like Marion Blanchard or Kevin Kim, “The aggregate amount of suffering across the lifetimes of any one soul is the same for each soul. Don’t you see? You must see. We suffer as much as we cause to suffer,” she spews at Leslie Kuhn, Nicholas Lake, Martin Brandy. “We harm in like measure.” All grace goes out of her when she talks so fast. So breathlessly. Red cheeks redden. Her mouth all but glistening gushes exuberance while those eyes, an unsettling show of internal compartmentalization, soften into a look of despondence and nearly deaden. We want to put her in a hospital, but with such phenomenal numbers? She does quadruple the business those of us vying for second do. “Customers,” she explains in a quiet moment, “crave an authentic buying experience,” and falls silent when we ask how one makes this happen. We all stand the silence. We like it. She tells us more calmly about her old fashioned sense of seasons. “Hot is hot. Cold is cold. Mild is the popular favorite in a procession of landscapes, see them now parading gorgeous, heather, dark red, golden?” Then the long Visalia summers of her youth spring to life, bringing her around to baseball and her love of the Rawhide, the farm team to the Arizona Diamondbacks at play at Recreation Park a block from her family’s house on Goshen Avenue. She knows the stats by heart of every guy who ever moved up, and those of the sad young men who did not. The shortstop Knudsen gets hit wide and outside by a brain aneurysm. Who could miss a game after that, she tells our clientele, and weeps for Knudsen in plain sight. She weeps for her mother Annette and half brother Charlie who we’ve all met and know to be of sound mind and body. “We will all be present at the end of the world,” she tells Cookie de la Croix and Zach Minor. “All souls combined. No one’s left out, you know. We are there now. I feel it. This feeling I have,” she says, “is indescribable.” None of us look her in the eye when she gets like this but fantasize about rising through the ranks to Regional Manager to gently lay her off. For now, she is our safety net and our bread and butter, and we are her Sentinels of the Accelerated Imagination. Mess with her, call her mad even once, and see how hard, how fast we come down on you.

Places, Everyone, Please


He stands the doorway while his parents go back and forth about the cost of living. Will they notice his fashion experiment? Pant legs pegged over pearly white tennis shoes? Collar of canary yellow flipped up for extra pizazz? He’s been at his hair with a wet comb all day long. Drying before he’s done with it, it falls forward into bullhorns, one says bullions, until he puts it back again with still more water. “Ahem,” he says. He clears his throat two times with a space in between each like negative space. “If you keep combing it,” his father speaks without looking, “it will fall out like a cancer patient.” “It will not,” says the mother. “That’s ridiculous.” “And put your collar down,” says the father. “You look like a fruitcake.”

When she asks him to take her somewhere nice, he reaches into his pockets to find half the money he thought he had and a piece of paper folded many times over and cut into the shape of a baby. Flap it open into a chain of babies festooned like a banner to include the negative space no one ever mentions, that space around and between the babies, when the cutout parts of each little guy, for there are nubby penises, gives fascinating glimpses of landscapes lovebirds pass through. Such a crude decoration for a shower!

Das Kapital. Karl’s father realized early on that his boy was a wicked genius. How he warned that his son would waste his talents if he did not foster relationships with the right, like-minded people in the highest and not the farthest reaches of society. Karl and Jenny might dodge a life of poverty.

American Atavistic

On my way out of town one night I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker who has turned out to be a serial killer. I tell him in no uncertain terms that I am far more than a brand manager. I have my wife and kids to consider. I have a soul wherein winged things rise like heat through an aesthetic seeing God in the wind in the trees Hometown Joycean! If I drive my friends a little crazy with an exaggerated dark side am I not a true patriot? Is not my most successful brand for a new style of hot-dogging? Do I not read my passenger right as a man starved for attention? He tells me his name is clearly a pseudonym. I nod my head in agreement. He tells his victims what is going to happen to them. “Contrary to popular demand,” he says, “my mother was the confrontational one and Father with his flat affect indescribable.” It’s kind of funny. Why not forgive them? When he says, “My teachers were sleeping logs who couldn’t let sleeping logs lie,” not only does no one doubt him for a second but the idea has been rolling around in their heads for centuries. What they have a harder time swallowing is their own dumb knife. Small talk falters, taunting relentless. They becomes we when suddenly we pound the wheel and throw our heads back in laughter as if to say in our own inimitable way what could be so funny? We press cold steel against our Adam’s apples. We rip our eyes out before anyone applies any real pressure. We take ourselves apart limb by limb in the darkness and in the morning pull ourselves together again unaware all the day long of our own majesty. Who can say to whom such fantasies belong or from whence such emotions are far flung when one daydreams of meeting force with force and every third time coming out victorious?